He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
