I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
