I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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