Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
