Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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