If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize