cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
