I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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