Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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