So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
