The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Best friends brother. Beat that.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
