Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Green mimosas i think yes
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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