i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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