Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
