so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
