why didn't you poke me back
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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