Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
time to smoke my breakfast
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
