I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
