This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
50% drunk capacity currently
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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