Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
