Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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