Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
