I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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