Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
