I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
