I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
