I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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