i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
