My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize