i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
