You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You took a bar mat shot.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
