If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
