I'm pants shitting drunk right now
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
