So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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