watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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