this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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