Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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