We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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