just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
