i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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