the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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