watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
