So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
