oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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