Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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