Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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