Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
