I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
