Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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