I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
