My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
