Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
