I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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