So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
