I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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