I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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