I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
